THE HOUSE OF PAIN...with a tint of pleasure...

by Sean McManus (aka Wilbur) and Matt Clements (aka Rufus)

AUTHORS' ADVISORY:  If you have not read the following: Pig Latin From Spain, Becoming of Huyop, The Saga that is Eric J, Then you need to read ALL of them before reading this story!  Unlike most of them, this story does have a plot to follow! So If you havent read them, please dont ruin this story for yourself, read the others first!

Chapter 1: There was a house. It was pain. Ow. Sometimes, me and my pig, we go into house of pain...then we say things like "ow" and "pain" when it hurts. There is a bowl full of band-aids in the living room. But nobody lives there. Its just called that because peoples houses have living rooms...it doesn’t mean they actually live in the room though. When I go into the house of pain...a sense of pain fills me...and my pig. Sometimes, when I am feeling gothic, i go into the house of pain.... for pain...and a tint of pleasure...and salami.

Chapter 2: Once when I was just small boy, I walk up street to deli for sandwiches, smothered with candies... and cheesies. Well I be walking to get them and I see house. House look empty. I go in. It hurt. I say "ow." Guy come into living room and say "ow" too. Then I punch his face. He say "ow." Salami.

Chapter 3: That is my dumb friend Wilbur. My name is Rufus...I am 24 and a freshmen in high school. Wilbur and I are in trouble. We threw a turtle in the house of pain...and we must get it back before it dies because it was my neighbor, Rafildas turtle. The turtle is magic...well not really but we like to think that way. Did i mention we have a salami fetish? We throw salami everywhere, one time I threw salami up in the air...and it landed on the ground...and my mom called me and told me to stop throwing salami...it was crazy. Well Wilbur wants to type...mind him...hes not bright...very dim....try not to think when he writes just read for the sake of salami...

Chapter 3: Hi, I am Wilbur. I know what you’re thinking... Wilbur is a girl’s name! No pun intended. Now, I like salami as much as the next waffle, but I am frankly getting sick of all the salami juice on my clothes after a hard day of throwing salami. It stains and... oh well I am getting off track... this is supposed to be about the so called magic turtle. OK, so we threw the turtle and it went in the house of pain and it squeaked a lot... we think it was saying "ow." So we went in the house too, but the pain was too much for us to bear... so we left. And ate salami.

Chapter 4: My grandma is your grandma and your grandma is my grandma, your grandma is a granola bar, can I borrow your shovel?...oh sorry I didn’t know you were there, I was singing a song I heard in the house of pain...Im trying to find out its meaning and what it’s trying to say...It haunts me, the thoughts of someones grandma...being a GRANOLA BAR! Its horriflying! All the same Tunkers the Turtle is still in the house! (We named him Tunkers cuz when we threw him in he went TUNK!). I sent Wilbur into the house but he just came out screaming "HOLY SALAMI MY BUTT IT HOTTER THAN AN ICECUBE IN AN INCUBATOR!"..looks like this is a job for me...or our third accomplice...Petri....We sent the moron in and he ran in like a happy clam. He came running out with Tunkers but there was something growing on tunkers head!...and no...it wasnt Salami.

Chapter 5: Upon examination, the growth on Tunkers turned out to be... RICHARD NIXON! He rambled on about various political issues, then Rufus got mad and bit his head off. Then the four of us went off to the hardware store to get some Road-not (it makes a pot... hole. DING!) We sprayed it all over the road and cars going by fell into the giant craters it made. It was fun. But then something terribly unfortunate happened. Petri, getting a little bit too excited, and ate some of the Road-not. He instantly dissolved. So we called up the Road-not company and made them put a warning label on the product which read: "DO NOT EAT ROAD-NOT! IT IS NOT SALAMI!"

Chapter 6: Spam. Pam. Jam. Cram. Lamb. All things not related...to this story. So petri died sadly after eating the Road-not...well maybe not so sadly, he was quit a moronic bother. Wilbur on the other hand...he is just an idiot, he decided to try to sneak into the house of pain...through a 500 ft tree...he jumped onto the roof...fell through...and go figure...was in pain... I see wilbur told you about the Road-not...It was our invention, we needed it to steel things like bumpers and licence plates, its our secret mission in life! Anyways, i wanted to find a way for us to figure out why the house of pain hurts...so I asked my grandma if it was in her time, she said yes...and told me about a long long time ago..when my grandpa was a roudy man and he was stripping in clubs and women would pay him alot of money to see him...roudy...unfortunatly, this did not help us on our journey to finding why the house of pain hurts...however i never will look at grandpa the same...or his salami.

Chapter 7: So anyway I was in pain. I decided to jump back out the window into the 500 ft tree. But I didn’t make it. I fell down the side of the house and landed in a giant pile of salami... don’t ask how it got there. So, no longer in pain, I went to find Rufus. When I got to his house, he was sniffing some swiss cheese. He looked up in surprise when I entered and yelled, "BEHOLD MY BEHIND!" I threw salami.

Chapter 8: Just to inform you, I was NOT sniffing the cheese…I was investigating to see who put the damn holes in it…I mean think about it! If you had all the holes missing in the swiss cheese, that’s like a whole nother piece of cheese! Anyways…back to the story about the house…me and Wilbur, we aint the brightest blocks on the kid, but we try! So we set up a sensor we built using pop cans and the sensors in dorthy…wait that was the movie Twister…our sensor was basicly a flashlight that turned on whenever something walked by it…then u nail it on a wall so it is still, the box called it something like a mooshing sensor, who knows. But we set it up, hoping to catch…well we arent sure! But we hope it has Salami!!!

Chapter 9: So we set up our sensor for no apparent reason. And I don't know how Rufus thought we were going to catch anything, considering all the light did was flash. But oh well, everyone has dumb ideas sometimes. Anyway, we ducked into some nearby bushes to watch the sensor and see if anything went through it. Well we waited for a few hours, then Rufus got bored and ran off to get some penguins for his grandma's basement. I decided to stay for a while longer and keep a lookout. Shortly after Rufus left, the Hamburgler crept up to the door of the House of Pain... he was carrying a bag full of... the holes from the swiss cheese! The sensor started flashing and I leapt out of the bushes on top of him screaming, "CHICKEN PEOPLE!" The Hamburgler gave up easily and I turned him in to the local Satan worshippers. They rewarded me with a large bag of salami.

Chapter 10: So 1 by 1 we counted the swiss cheese holes to see if we had enough…and we did. We put the holes into the machine and hit play…and our message came on the screen…the message said "Ok guys! Who stole my door stopper! This isnt funny, do you think this is funny?!". We were estatic…We decided upon ourselves that the meaning of this message was the ending of a cliché… it went like this: "You cant control the weather…but you can burn holes in the Ozone!". Without any thought involved we went to the local interstate highway and held signs, mine said "Will work for job" and Wilburs said "Catchup"…you see, we had to get to LA and make some money, that was where the answer to the House of pain was….so we waited by the side of the highway…waiting to be picked up…we also were eating salami.

Chapter 11: We waited by the side of the road for hours with our signs, hoping for some kind rodeo clown to give us a ride in his tiny car. Well we had no such luck, and we were instead picked up by a hobo in a cardboard box with wheels nailed to it. The wheels didn't turn very well, so we decided it would take too long to get to LA and left the hobo some belly button lint as a thank you. We started walking towards LA, hoping we had enough salami.

Chapter 12: Yea…a hobo…I wish…apparently Wilbur didn’t hear me right, I said HOMO and his tiny cardboard box or as he referred to as his "Fag mobile" moved about as fast as my grandma on morphine…went like a bat outta hell but had no direction…I knew we had to ditch him and then we did. When we started walking I saw an old woman drive by with a poodle in her car…and she slowed…Wilbur whispered "What if she’s a rapist?" I assured him that no old woman would be a rapist. He agreed and we got in. After silence and driving for miles the woman broke the silence and said "So how’s it growing down there?" I freaked out and flew out of the car, Wilbur being a bandwagon rider did the same. Come to find out, the rapist idea got to me, all the woman said was "So what are you doing round here?"…musta freaked her out a bit…having two hitchhikers just kinda dive out her car…all the same, we are ok, but we are running short on salami….

Chapter 13: We started walking again. We walked for days, and finally our salami supply ran out. We fell over in despair, not being able to last without our treasured meat. Suddenly, the ground opened up wide beneath us and we fell into a cavern. But this was no ordinary cavern... it was the secret headquarters of... THE LAWN GNOME ALLIANCE! Those freaky little things swarmed around our legs and screamed gibberish at us. Then one among them shouted, "SILENCE!" All the others stopped chattering and solemnly dropped their trousers. We looked away in horror. They pulled them back up and we turned around to see..no not salami, well sort of salami…

Chapter 14: The gnomes didn’t have…well what we thought they were showing us…you see underneath a gnomes pants, he grows a clove of salami! We instantly raped the gnomes of their salami and they all screamed "PUBERTY! PUBERTY". We climbed up a ladder in the cavern and came out…no not in LA, that would be too corny don’t u think? We were in CHINA! Yes that’s right, the home of the hot dog! We went into a store and asked a woman what direction LA was and she replied "Kaskiwat, Comisho ching clan puchie pow"…in anger Wilbur went into the back of the store, and grabbed a package of the foresaken frankfurters and…try not to imagen…SHOVED THEM IN HIS PANTYS! Screaming with horror, the woman went into a coma! So directionless, we headed on into the heart of china…no not Tokyo…the heart of china moron!…Eurylochus! Bring me my Salami!

Chapter 15: Yes, the heart of China... good old Moscow. We ran through the streets and grabbed random people's noses, yelling "TENGO TU NARIZ!" It was enjoyable for a while but then we became bored of this tomfoolery and set up camp under a nearby roller coaster. We cooked the hot dogs I had shoved into my panties earlier... they had a bit of extra flavor after being in there... but oh well. We went to try and sleep. Rufus got to sleep, but I couldn't, as he kept yelling about raffles and piffle balls or something. So I got back up to look at the stars. When I left the tent and looked up, I immediately noticed something moving in the sky... it was...not salami

Chapter 16:…The Roller coaster you moron! He swears it was a giant mechanical caterpillar trying to trap us in its bacon! And if you didn’t know, bacon is like the arc rival of Salami! (Who do you think invented bacon bits!? Nothing pleasures us more than to see our enemy ground to peaches on a salad…) So being the moron he is, He took a shovel…which he grabbed from completely nowhere and threw the shovel up at the machinery and killed his Aunt Thelma, (A.k.a. Georgia Brown) and we had no clue how to climb the tree. So we found a Chinese man named Bob, and we asked him if he knew why the House Of Pain ::shudders:: hurts so bad! Bob replied with his simple knowledge of the subject by saying "Chinka lak tinko naka tika!" I got angry and made him talk to wilbur, wilbur approached the man to talk to him…the man evidentally had a secret stock of salami…

Chapter 17: So I flipped Bob upside down and emptied his pockets. Just as I thought, there was a secret stash of beautiful, delicious salami. We confiscated this and then I decided to ask Bob about the House of Pain again. He said "Heeka waka doonaka!" Thankfully I had my Chinese-English dictionary and I quickly translated what he said. He said "Go to the House of Pain, where you will find a little girl with a dead animal. Ever since her animal was killed in the house, she has been causing pain to all those who enter and throw salami."

Chapter 18: So we went back to the house of pain, where we were told we would find the little girl with her dead animal of some sort. So I went to the house of pain and before entering yelled "EXCUSE ME LITTLE GIRL! GIRL WITH DEAD ANIMAL!? PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!" I walked in the house…and I felt pain…and I…ow…and I said "Little girl I am here to help you!". I heard a faint reply that said "I miss my Zebrasauruas". The girl came from the corner and she approached me, she was beautiful and young and very…beautiful. I asked her "Why must the house of pain hurt so much?" She said "I don’t know, have you seen my Zebrasauraus?" I said "I don’t know, why does the house of pain hurt?" She wacked me with a chair leg. We got into a very violent fight where I tore off her ears and fed them to a running bear that was going upstairs to feed his family some kid named Sean , the idiot couldn’t defend himself. Anyways she explained why the house of pain hurt so much she said "Many years ago, When my family was young, we lived here, with people, and animals, A man came to the house, and shot my family with guns filled with poo and stinky things. My family was proper and doesn’t like stinky things. They shot and killed my dear pet Zebrasaurus with Salami….

Chapter 19: … So from that day forward I hated anyone with salami in my house and caused them pain," she finished. Rufus and I had fallen asleep long ago, so we asked her to tell the story over again. She did, and we found out Sean has a beard, but that’s beside the point. "Well, what can we do to make you stop hurting people?" I asked. She replied, "Bring me the lemons." (now for those of you who have read all of my stories this phrase should sound freakishly familiar, for those of you who haven’t, rot in hell) So we went to Eric J to find the lemons… and more salami.

Chapter 20: So we ventured far and long to find Eric J, now old and rusty sitting in his rocking chair. "Eric J Huber?". The man sat up in his chair "Who are you, what do you want?" replied Eric J. "We have come for the lemons" I said. He sat up and said "I have been expecting you for quite some time" and walked over towards the wooded area. We followed and walked for quite some time when Eric J stopped…suddenly he was gone…then we heard "Up here!" we looked up and there was Eric J floating on a revived Aunt Jamima! We had heard the stories of Huyop and how this became but never came in contact with a true survivor…or revived one! He untied a bag from her cap and it fell to their hands! They opened it and there were…THE LEMONS!! They thanked Eric J and praised Aunt Jamima, then went back to the HOUSE OF PAIN to return the lemons to the small girl in white jeans! They walked into the house and felt the pain and she said "did you bring what I desired?"…"yes" I replied…"hand them to me" … I suddenly panicked! The lemons were nowhere to be found! I suddenly remebered! I searched far and low and high and near and I can make that rhyme with ear! Anyways, I found the lemons in Wilburs beard, and handed them to the little girl in white jeans and parakeet feathers. She took them and poured them in a bucket, but one fell into a hole in the floor! INSTANTLY! None other than MR WHIPPLE shot out of the hole!!! He shot out "I refuse to be the only man to drown as a duck in syrup!" he screamed with anger! But the girl in the white jeans was working harder than ever and suddenly MR KUFEL flew from the bucket in a mad rage! And battle begun! (Authors comment: Now I may tell you that in fact for many years, the spirit of Whipple has been living in the house of pain…along with the girl in white jeans and he has been causing the house much pain after killing the small girls pet, she has stayed in the house hoping to be reunited, while whipple haunted the house and all who approach it!) Anyways, back to what I was saying! Kufel and Whipple stood Ear to cheek…Kufel said "I reckon you be getting off my lawn before I be callin the authorities!" Kufel wound up a gigantic punch and just before it was about to level whipple into all alegany, a strange growling noise was heard, it got closer! Suddenly they realized it was the IMFAMUS TINA! She came running in furious surly to help defeat whipple! But tragedy struck again when the Tina turned out to be RABBID! She suddenly attacked Kufel! Kufel fought for his life with every punch kick and wail! Suddenly the tina was dead, kufel had won but not before being badly injured, whipple was sure to win now and nobody would ever be safe since he has now been returned to full power! Whipple stood over kufel, when suddenly kufel wailed out one final call "Ike I SEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Whipple startled by this looked around to see what was happening! The girl in white jeans and peacock feathers suddenly turned into! No! It couldn’t be…CASSIEO!!!! AND THE ACID PUNK ROCK BAND N SYNC! Sadly N sync didn’t last, all members but Justin ran away, he was running solo, he was much to justified to run away now, so I killed him. Cassieo made a strange call, something like an angry walrus with its mouth full of egg salad, and suddenly kaya, revived and well came to her shoulder! "Your days are over Whipple, give it up!" she said with confidence! Whipple turned to throw a gigantic boulder he couldn’t lift at cassieo! Kaya suddenly shot something and knocked whipple over! IT WAS ONE OF THE MCMANUS BROTHERS HEADS! She shot out their heads like rapid fire! Whipple lay there barley alive and ready to be finished when a voice came to the door "Let us finish him " said the voice….It was none other than Chris and Joe (if you have no idea who im talking about, chapter 1, pig latin from Spain)! So Chris and Joe walked up to Whipple…"you sent latin men to my house, you tortured my family-".."YOU UPSET MY PIGS" yelled Joe "-and we are ready for your punishment, come you vermin" said Chris. He pulled out a jar of pickles and whipple yelped "PLEASE I beg you! I will never harm another soul again!" screamed whipple! But it was too late, Chris had sucked Whipple up into the jar, never to be seen again. And so the story ends, the house of pain…relieved, and the world saved from a man not so saved. And everyone lived happily ever after…or did they…how do I know, I only followed the story up till now, what do you think I just follow everyone around make sure they don’t like get hit by a car? Freak....oh and...Salami!